I wrote the following article in order to have a resource to share with couples who are preparing for marriage. It is not an official “church document,” but the council helped me do some editing, approved my use of it, and agreed that I could share it here with the congregation. Perhaps you will find it to be a helpful resource in your own homes and families.
– Pastor Micah
Why Living Together Before Marriage is a Big Deal
One of the many lies of the devil that is pervading our society right now is that it’s acceptable and right for unmarried couples to live together. Calling it a lie of the devil is strong wording, and because of the deep emotions tied to this issue, it’s difficult to have an objective conversation about it. As a pastor, if a couple is living together and asks me to officiate their marriage, I ask them to separate until the wedding. If they aren’t willing to do so, then I decline to participate.
I understand that may sound harsh to some and that I am coming across as judgmental and “holier than thou.” I assure you that is not the case. I am not holier than you, or anybody else. I am a sinner. I am also a repentant sinner. I recognize my sin and deal with it for what it is: an affront to God’s holiness. I thank God every day for His mercy to me, and I rejoice in the forgiveness of the message of Christ crucified for me. My desire and prayer for each person and couple I work with is that they would join in this repentance, recognizing and confessing their sin and believing in God’s Word of forgiveness.
In other words, I care about you, and I care about your soul. If you are living with your partner and are not married, please consider these thoughts. Living together is not healthy for you, and here are some reasons why:
First of all, God’s Word has a lot to say about this. There are so many verses, but here are a few that have been most helpful to me.
- I Corinthians 7:1-5. In the context of sexual relationships, they are defined as “each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” Those are the parameters for who you should have sex with.
- John 4:16-18. Jesus explains that living together is not marriage. The woman at the well had been married five times and was currently with another man, whom Jesus said was “not your husband.”
- Genesis 2:24. God institutes marriage and says that in marriage, the two “become one flesh.” This is epitomized in the sexual relationship. Jesus elaborates on this in Matthew 19:6. He says that when you become one flesh, you are joined together by God, and it’s not to be separated. That happens within the covenant of marriage. Sex outside the covenant of marriage is an abuse of God’s purpose and design for marriage.
- I Thessalonians 4:3-8: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.”
Next, please consider these logical arguments against living together outside of marriage.
- People think of cohabitation as preparation for marriage, but consider that it’s actually the opposite. When you join yourself to another as one flesh or practice living as a married couple but without the commitment of marriage and reserving the right to back out if things go bad, that’s actually training yourself for divorce.
- Some say that living together helps you to know whether this is the right person for you. You gain a deeper understanding of each other that helps make an informed decision. Consider, however, that people change. They always do. The glue that holds marriages together is not that the individuals learn they can get along. It’s that they love unconditionally with the promise to love “til death do us part.”
- Engagement is not the same as marriage in our society. If it were, breaking the engagement would be the same as divorce.
Lastly, here are some statistics that demonstrate the danger of cohabitation, as well as some of the benefits of waiting until marriage to live together.
- Recent studies show that 80 percent of all marriages that began as cohabitation fail.
- In one survey of 309 newlywed couples, those who cohabited were found to be less happy in marriage. Cohabitants without plans to marry were more inclined to argue, hit, shout, and have an unfair division of labor in the home.
- People who live together are more likely to have affairs. Women who live with their partner before they are married are almost three and a half times more prone to extramarital affairs. As for men: only 43% of those who live with their partner before marriage remain faithful.
- In contrast, there are statistics that show the benefit of waiting until marriage to live together. The study showed that 90% of men who don’t live with their partner before marriage stay faithful. Those who refrain from premarital six are 29 to 47 percent more likely to enjoy sex after marriage. [1]
Please know that I only share this because I genuinely care about you and want you to know God’s truth in this matter. Marriage is a wonderful gift from God, and my desire for all who enter into marriage is that they would enjoy the blessing of marriage as God designed it. If this touches on a sin you are guilty of, please repent of that, believe that God forgives you in Jesus Christ, and follow His Word. There is forgiveness and healing in Christ for all sin, current and former. Praise God for His mercy and love toward all of us!
If you have questions or concerns, I’m very willing to chat with you about them. May God bless you as you prepare for you upcoming wedding!
In Christ,
Pastor Micah
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